Milwaukee, WI, April 20, 2008
I have often said that it is not always the words that make statements confrontational and conflictual, it is the intent and intensity.
I experienced one of those occasions this morning in Milwaukee, WI. I was leaving on a hotel van very early to make a flight to Denver CO. I was to be the only one of the van. The driver engaged me in conversation, and said we could leave as soon as I was ready.
I indicated I would be ready as soon as I grabbed a cup of coffee. At that point he said to me, "Put a lid on it." He said it kindly and I understood exactly what he meant. He did not want me to spill coffee on myself or on the inside of the can.
If he knew me, he would know this was a helpful comment and that it was somewhat predictable that I would indeed spill coffee.
What would happen if under other circumstances someone said sharply to you, with obvious anger in their voice, "Put a lid on it!"
The apparent intent and intensity of this statement would raise the potential for an immediate conflict situation. I say potential because to have a conflict, both parties must experience it as conflict. So, it will also be how it is received.
If you receive the angrily expressed statement, "Put a lid on it!" as conflict, then a conflict situation has been created. If you do not, then it is not yet a conflict situation, but rather a situation where the person making the statement has some anger issues--perhaps towards you--that may need to be addressed. You have not received it as conflict and choose not to engage it as such.
Going deeper into the response, when you choose not to engage an angry statement as conflict are you,
- not perceiving it as conflict--at least not with you.
- have no need to make it a conflict situation.
- avoiding obvious conflict.
- withholding judgement for now.
Probably all these responses are fine except to avoid obvious conflict. When you do this then you are laying the ground work for future conflict of a more significant nature.
Having thought through all of this, what did the van driver really mean when he said, "Put a lid on it." I think he meant please do something that will keep coffee from spilling on you and the van.
In fact, it was so obvious that is what he meant, and that his spirit was kind and helpful, that I thanked him on the way to the airport for providing me with this example of when is what could be perceived as a conflict statement not really conflict.
The intent and the intensity made the difference.
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